EDSA Revolution: The First Bloodless Re Effin' volution

Benigno Aquino Jr. and Ferdinand Marcos

 When you have a tank, like one of those bigass tanks that can roll onto any car and crush it so bad it would spit out every single the freakin’ spare part like a stomach in a three-day diarrhoea and guns that could blow brains out like a freakin’ fireworks in New York and you get a direct order from your superior to shoot those mother effers and you kinda have no choice because you’re a soldier and you swore that you will follow the orders of your superiors, you will have no choice but shoot them. And quite frankly, you are gonna enjoy firing those. As much as it is noble for us to think that soldiers are there to defend the country, let’s be honest, most of them just enjoy wearing those uniforms, holding those guns, and having some chance to fire those bad boys at some point in their lives and feel no remorse because it’s their job anyway.

Well, that’s exactly the situation our soldiers were in back in 1986.

They were under a really ruthless general. Even those the rankles soldiers who were seeing action for the first freakin’ time could have been tortured beyond belief if they were to disobey the General’s order. Yet, those badass Philippine soldiers decided to tell the General, ‘well you can you can drag us all the way to the deepest portion of the hell and leave us to be tortured by Hulk on steroids and a schizophrenic superman but we ain’t firin’ at Filipino people who is doing nothing but reclaiming their freedom. Go shove your orders down your ass, shithead!’.

Then, the put their weapons down and came down from their tanks to be accept the flowers being offered by the people in EDSA.

Okay, I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s just do this the proper way.

EDSA Revolution is already a part of the country’s curriculum but very few of the young people really understand just how badass this thing was and still is. I am not going to try and do what 14 years of schooling seems to fail at doing. All I am going to try and do is just make you realize this EDSA thing that we managed to pull off with absolutely no planning.

Contrary to belief, EDSA Revolution is 25 years in the making… okay, maybe 20. Regardless, it’s two decades in the making. You see, the country was really getting f$%^ed so bad, we could have made some serious dough if we at least made that mother effer pay evertime he fu$%3d us. The ‘he’ in my sentence is Ferdinand Marcos. The country probably wouldn’t have mind his effin’ martial law if he, at least, put food on the table. It turns out, he had real talent in sinking a country’s economy and taking away people’s freedom.

So, there was this guy, Benigno Aquino, you might have heard of him, who was insane enough to stand up and fight the dictator. He was so badass that he was badmouthing the holy hell out of Marcos all the way to the US. In all fairness to the Marcos, he warned the Aquino to cut it out or something “bad” will happen to him. And when Marcos said bad, he meant there-will-be-nothing-left-in-him-but-the-proverbial-wish-he-has-never-been-born-when-he-is-done bad.

Apparently, not even Satan can scare the shit out of this Aquino guy because he went on pissing the eff out of Marcos all the way to Harvard. So Marcos (or his wife, it’s not really clear) had him shot. Yup, Ninoy was shot while alighting the plane as he landed in the Philippines. If you think the JFK shooting was badass, that has nothing on this assassination.

First, the whole country knew Aquino was entering the country with a fake passport. Second, everyone knew, including Aquino, he was going to be assassinated. Third, when he was assassinated, whoever shot him, shot him from the back, point blank, up close… whatever you want to call it. The point is that the guy who shot him was standing right behind him when he fired at Aquino. Because that’s how we effin’ roll. When we set out to kill someone, we ain’t doin’ it from the top floor of a building kilometres away from the target. We are going to approach and shoot point blank. When we kill, we kill.

Ninoy's body after he was shot

Aquino’s body fell on the airport grounds from the airport and someone dragged him like a dead rabid dog to god knows where.

When everyone thought the fight was over, his comrades picked up the fight. They egged his wife, Corazon Aquino, to run for the presidency. She did. She won but was cheated. After some egging from journalists and other politicians, people finally got pissed and threw the biggest and most badass temper tantrum every recorded by mankind, people went to effin’ EDSA and refused to leave.

Traffic enforcers were like ‘get the hell out bitches, 2 million vehicles pass this road everyday’. And Filipinos were like, ‘uh… no’.

Traffic enforcers went to their bosses and said, ‘they won’t leave, boss’. The boss was like, ‘are you freakin’ stupid, just go back out there and whip their asses’.

Now, you have to understand that at that time, there were no cellphones yet. Well, there were but it was so freakin’ expensive, not even our government could afford it. The only way for people who were already in EDSA were to get their friends and relatives to join them is to physically go their friends’ places and drag their asses to EDSA.

It’s not clear what time the first group of people went to EDSA. What is clear is that there is a radio station, Radio Veritas, who pulled out every last ball they had to broadcast the Cardinal’s call to the people to help the small group of people already in EDSA.

This radio station knew they were dead the moment they did it. True enough, in less than an hour, military people swarmed their station. Good thing, they were already out of there and were broadcasting from a secluded location and only f$%k knew where it was.

Filipinos in EDSA stopping tanks from moving forward

Anyhoo, people responded. They brought food and clothing and started camping in EDSA. By the time sun was starting to rise, literally no vehicle could pass through EDSA. There was no MRT yet at that time so businesses were more or less effed up that day. C5, at that time, wasn’t developed yet too.

Marcos learned of what was happening and dismissed it. He was like, ‘I need to have breakfast. Ask the police to disperse them.’

With guns and grenades and freakin’ cold cuffs, policemen went to EDSA and said, ‘aight, we’re not kidding. Get the fuck off the road, people need to go work and feed their families’. People were like, ‘Naw! We’re staying here until that bad guy leaves the palace!”

The police went back to their headquarters and said, ‘those bitches ain’t moving. But it sure like a party there. Let’s go join and have some biscuits and coffee.’

Marcos realized, he needs to send real guns now. So he did. However, he failed to consider one thing. His cousin, Fidel Ramos, who was also his General, decided to support the people and fuck up all his plans. Ramos, together with Enrile, was already guarding military stations. They didn’t really have a lot of guns and tanks and bombs. That was a huge problem.

Filipinos offering a soldier food, drinks and flowers

People then said, ‘Ey, no problem. We’ll use our bodies to defend you against their guns and tanks.’ And so they did… they freakin’ used people to defend them against tanks, guns, and bombs, guddamit. Thousands of people had to surround them so they can go about planning how to counter attack the Marcos. Because humans, just in case you haven’t heard, are totally bullet effin’ proof!

Marcos was furious and smoke was coming out of his ears, nose and just about every hole on his body. He ordered his boy, Favian Ver, to order all his men to shoot, bomb, kill, stab… even bite people like a raging lion… whatever the hell they can do for as long as they take down all those people in EDSA.

By this time, almost the whole stretch of EDSA was full with people. The approximate differs. There are some who claim that there were over a million people in EDSA. Some people say that’s an exaggeration. Who the fu$% knows?

Soldiers drove their thanks, aimed their guns, and were about to throw their grenades to the people in EDSA as they were warning everyone to get the fuck out or they will be killed. People were prepared… with food, flowers, and drinks. Yup, when soldiers were pointing tanks and guns to their head, they held up their hands and offered bread, Zest freakin’ O, and roses. Because flowers, just in case you haven’t heard, are totally bullet effin’ proof.

After about 15 minutes of delivering his order and hearing no news about people dying on the street, Marcos started getting really impatient.

You have to understand that that all military tanks, all soldiers, and all possible firearms were already dispersed in EDSA. A portion is left in Malacanang to guard the President. That’s like hundreds of tanks. If they fire all their guns and tanks at the same time, everyone in EDSA, including Ramos and Enrile, could turn to powder so fast, Tinkerbell would have been put to shame.

More tanks being stopped

By this time, Marcos started getting worried. What matter is that there were enough people there for the soldiers to stop dead on their tracks and say ‘I really want to fire this baby but ahhhh… don’t think I’d want the blood of these people on my hand ‘coz... quite frankly, they are asking for something reasonable.’

So, soldiers just joined the party.

Marcos was furious and asked his General, Favian Ver, to send more men. Ver said, ‘there’s hardly anyone left, sir’. Marcos cursed and just asked Very to make it happen. Ver tried his best and sent out Air Force Helicopters.

The helicopters were starting to aim that people but just before they fire, they realize that bigger helicopters were aiming back at them.

The freakin brilliant Ramos already contacted the US government and asked for help. So U.S. Helicopters were like, ‘fire and you’re freakin’ dead.

Our helicopters turned back and joined the other soldiers who were already partying in EDSA. After five long days, Marcos was escorted out of Malacanang and onto Palau.

No one died, not a single person died.

With nothing but food, Zest effin’ O, water, and roses, Filipino people overthrew the government.

This is the first bloodless revolution EVER. It his international news and inspired other countries who were also going through a lot of shit to do the same thing. China was the first to copy. Who else, right? They gathered in TiananmenSqaure. They were shot and bombed on sight.

Other countries followed, no one is yet to succeed. They all fail to understand that only badass people can do something as badass as this.