Jose "Pepe" Rizal: The Pinoy with Gigantic B@lls

The only photo of Jose Rizal that shows him smiling

It’s gonna sound crazy but Jose Rizal is underrated. He has become a nuisance whose novels subject many students to failure and many sleepless nights. It’s not fair because Rizal is beyond badass. The fuckin’ guy got some balls.

Jose Rizal’s got a huge pair. Gigantic in fact. It’s so big, he has enough for the entire fuckin’ country.

Rizal’s balls have the same size as fuckin’ Mars that got pumped with salt and water that it got packed with so much fat that it would take a lifetime of surgery to get it all out. His balls is so fuckin’ big that he decided to publicly denounce Catholicism, almost singlehandedly challenged the country that was conquering the Philippines with nothing but an effin’ pen and paper and put in sexual undertones in the two novels that managed to find its way to the High School curriculum… and this was the 1800s, women had to wear seven layers of garments believing it would make them pure.

Paskong Pinoy: Ain't Nobody Can Do it Like We Do

merrystockings.com

Christmas for Pinoys is one big production number. All OSCAR Opening number put together and multiplied by 34,554 times won’t measure.  In most families, someone will always take the role of the director, the one who thinks of all gimmicks and crazy stunts to make the Christmas Eve better.

And from this director, here are some of the unique things that come out of it. 

Karoling 

There is no other part in the world where a group of children can go around the neigborhood with Soda crowns as a musical instrument to accompany their unrehearsed rendition of “Ang Pasko ay Sumapit” and we are certainly the only country that turns away carollers with nothing but a “patawad” statement. 

Hernando Guanlao: The Book Guy

Image Source: Philippine Daily Inquirer

The president of my high school and about half of the teachers there hated me. I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why but I just don’t give a fine f$%^. However, to serve as an intro to this piece, I will recall one of the many reasons they would have loved to have killed me, mutilate me and then sit on my lifeless body while laughing.

One of the things I clearly remember as the source of their hatred is my consistent record of reading books. Yes, they hated me for reading books. Alright, I need to explain this a bit.

I liked and still like reading books. Most of our teachers were fresh graduates and most of them weren’t good. They were so bad, they inspired me… to sleep. I developed an unprecedented skill of in the middle of lessons. But I passed my exams because I got everything they were teaching through books. When I got sent to the Principal’s office, I told the Principal they’ll save money if they just give us books and fire the teachers.

I got suspended. I spent my free time reading more books… and watching Voltes V.

Alex Niño: International Pinoy Comic Book Illustrator

It’s a sad day for Filipinos. The greatest pound for pound boxer, Manny Pacquiao, was knocked down cold. I have been watching boxing since I was born and I have never seen a knock down that bad. Not that it changes how I feel towards the Pacman but come on, it’s hard to see your idol go down.

In the interest of cleaning up some of the shit that’s currently dominating the hearts of the Pinoys, I’ve decided to proceed with our weekly Pinoy pride fix and hope that while you are reading this blog, you will start feeling better. I’ve also decided to do something cool, something that cuts across all segments and ages, the comic book industry.

When people talk of International Filipino comic book artists, the name Whilce Protacio comes to mind. You can’t blame them. When you create a character like Bishop, who can sit his ass like a boss and still be able blow up the whole world by absorbing the energy of all superheroes within his vicinity like mother effin’ black hole, you deserve respect. People need to be wave their hands left and right and scream like they’re in the middle of damn Metallica concert. Protacio is so badass one entry in this blog is not enough. He needs a monument, damn it.

EDSA Revolution: The First Bloodless Re Effin' volution

Benigno Aquino Jr. and Ferdinand Marcos

 When you have a tank, like one of those bigass tanks that can roll onto any car and crush it so bad it would spit out every single the freakin’ spare part like a stomach in a three-day diarrhoea and guns that could blow brains out like a freakin’ fireworks in New York and you get a direct order from your superior to shoot those mother effers and you kinda have no choice because you’re a soldier and you swore that you will follow the orders of your superiors, you will have no choice but shoot them. And quite frankly, you are gonna enjoy firing those. As much as it is noble for us to think that soldiers are there to defend the country, let’s be honest, most of them just enjoy wearing those uniforms, holding those guns, and having some chance to fire those bad boys at some point in their lives and feel no remorse because it’s their job anyway.

Well, that’s exactly the situation our soldiers were in back in 1986.

Jesus Villamor: Probably The Greatest Filipino Pilot

Jesus Villamor

The date was December 7, 1941. Hawaii woke up at the sound of death. For some reason, the Japanese decided to go Rambo on them. Carrying their Samurais, bayonets, and then state of the art fighter planes, they went on an all gangsta mission to totally annihilate the Americans. Body parts flew, red rain started pouring, and the air was filled with screams that could have easily passed as a sound effect on a Kevin Smith Slasher film. 

Americans were like, ‘mother fu…’ then died.

While Americans were running low on their wits, five Filipino pilots were chillin’ in their kitchen cutting up the tomatoes to go with their deep fried tinapa, garlic rice, and kapeng barako which they just scored from another Filipino soldier from Batangas. Okay, that breakfast part is fictional but the point is that there were five Filipino soldiers who were overflowing with awesomeness that they went to their commander and promptly reported for duty and said they can probably do something about the Japs.

These five were Capt. Jesus Villamor,  Lt. Geronimo Aclan, Lt. Godofredo Juliano, Lt. Jose Gozar, Lt. Manuel Conde, and Lt. Antonio Mondigo and it is important to note that they weren’t even in Pearl Harbor, they were in their base in Batangas.

Dado Bonatao: Filipino Billionaire in the U.S.

That computer or phone or tablet which you are now looking at, 30% of that is made of a Filipino invention.

Just in case that wasn’t clear enough, I’ll rephrase it. Thirty percent of every computer’s make up - whether it was made Apple, IBM, Samsung, Neo, or whatever  -ever manufactured in the whole damn world was invented by a Filipino, Dado Bonatao.

Dado Bonatao’s dominance is Silicon Valley actually started before Silicon Valley started. He shook the computer world so hard with his chip inventions, the intergalactic God of all computer hardware puked his intestines out and still hasn’t quite recovered to this day. Dado Bonatao is the man responsible for making the graphics on your computer look good.

Before we get into the details of his brilliance that catapulted him to being a legitimate billionaire complete with his own jet and brushing elbows with the likes of Bill Gates, let’s first get to know the amount of badassery he needed to show just to get to where he is now.

Jess Espanola: First Filipino Emmy Award Winner

[originally posted 2010]

Jess Espanola is hardcore.

He won an Emmy Award back in 2008 for his work as an Assistant Director for the Outstanding Animated Program (for programming less than an hour) Simpson’s Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind.

He never allowed anyone to stop him from pursing his goals, did not permit life-threatening hunger and exhaustion to stop his hands from drawing, and has ten million layers of padding to protect his spirits from all the failures a poor Pinoy could ever encounter in that big bad world of Hollywood.

Jess is a poor boy from Kalookan and when I say poor, i mean f***in’ poor. No one is considered an illegitimate child nowadays. The law pretty much declares every child ever born with equal rights. That’s cool but that wasn’t always the case. Until recently, the law was a d!ck to give only 50% of the rights of a legitimate kid to an illegitimate one. Jess knew it all too well. When his father learned his mother is pregnant with him he said ‘i’m sorta outta here’ and he bounced on them. Luckily, someone was kind enough to adopt his mother.

Arnis: Truly Pinoy Truly Badass

You can say what you want about Arnis, a.k.a. Kali, a.k.a. Eskrima. You can argue that it was actually the Spaniards that brought it to the Philippines. You can even say that no country or race can actually lay ownership to the sport. If you have giant b@lls, you can even say it actually came from the Chinese or Japanese and it is an evolution of their Samurai culture.

But you have to admit, you can’t be more Pinoy than Arnis is. It’s simple and it freakin’ kicks asses like Hulk on steroids. If you are one of those people unlucky enough to ever cross an Arnis master, you would know that pissing off an Arnis master is like pissing off Zeus who hasn’t gotten laid for more than 80 days. One solid hit in the head of that wooden stick and you’d feel how a goddum tsunami would feel like if it enters your brain.