Monday, October 29, 2012

Arnis: Truly Pinoy Truly Badass

You can say what you want about Arnis, a.k.a. Kali, a.k.a. Eskrima. You can argue that it was actually the Spaniards that brought it to the Philippines. You can even say that no country or race can actually lay ownership to the sport. If you have giant b@lls, you can even say it actually came from the Chinese or Japanese and it is an evolution of their Samurai culture.

But you have to admit, you can’t be more Pinoy than Arnis is. It’s simple and it freakin’ kicks asses like Hulk on steroids. If you are one of those people unlucky enough to ever cross an Arnis master, you would know that pissing off an Arnis master is like pissing off Zeus who hasn’t gotten laid for more than 80 days. One solid hit in the head of that wooden stick and you’d feel how a goddum tsunami would feel like if it enters your brain.

It is pretty cool that the world recognizes the discipline was, at the very least, developed in the Philippines. It is, of course, pretty expected that something as cool as Arnis would be a subject of others’ orgasmic desire. There are like 57,902 countries claiming to be the actual creators of Arnis.
I’m not gonna waste your time going through the different theories on how Arnis started. It’s not like I will be able to provide an intelligent conclusion. I can provide a conclusion, alright, but not an intelligent one. All I know is that there are about 10,000 different theories on how the discipline started and almost all of them kinda make sense. So who the f$@k knows right?

There is, however, one thing I am pretty sure about, it originated in the Philippines. I mean, come on. Who else in this world can ever create a discipline that uses nothing but a guddam almighty indestructible most powerful in all universe pieces of f$%k!n’ wood? Who? Tell me who?! Only the country which has created a superhero that gets its powers from an equally almighty indestructible most powerful in all universe pieces of f$%k!n’ barbell can ever think of that!

Okay, I’m calm. I am now better fit to explain to you why strong evidence shows that Arnis originated from the Philippines.

Jose Rizal was an Arnis master. By the way, that is not him up there. I have no effin' clue who those two people are supposed to be.

Martial arts like TaeKwonDo, Karate and Capoeira are graceful. The kicks, the punches, and the jumps look like a graceful dance. The way they point their toes, they position their bodies, they release their force… they all look like they are angels doing pirouettes.

Now look at arnis and you’ll see a bunch of guys with biceps that looks like it is a product of 45,000 daily push-ups sweating and hitting each other like they are trying to beat each other until their eyes spring out of their eye sockets like a freaking useless pendulum and their faces swell like a Donkey ass with diarrhea.

The mother f$%k!n’ martial arts is designed to beat the opponent so bad until nothing is left of him but the proverbial wish they have never been born. TaeKwonDo and Karate kick assess but if you put that against other martial arts like Krav Maga and Aikido, TKD and Karate artists are screwed up seven ways till Sunday. I know many black belters won’t like that and they can go search for me to kick my fat ass (please don’t) but it’s not gonna change my opinion about TaeKwonDo and Karate. These are arts and are not really for fighting.

But Arnis is designed for killing. Actually, I stand corrected. Arnis is designed to beat people until you have incomplete set of limbs and several useless bodily organs and then make sure you live a long life so you’ll savour every minute of your life.

I don’t freakin’ think the d@mn discipline even have any semblance of grace. It’s balls out asskickin’. I mean, have you ever been beaten up by a stick? Imagine how a 2x2 wood hit on the head can do to your sanity.

There is no other nation who does fighting the way we do. We never do it halfway. When we decide to beat someone, we beat the holy hell of that someone. We don’t experiment with fighting, we go in and get it done.

If that does not convince you, listen to this. 

Pinoys are known for being a lunatic bunch. Pinoys laugh at everything. When people try to bully us into submission and insult us in every unimaginable way, we laugh at them like they’re the Three Stoogies in their best f#$&!n’ night. It’s impossible to insult Filipinos. It’s not because we think low of ourselves. It’s just because we don’t think much of what others say. It’s like hearing an insult from a freakin’ single cell life form.

When you throw us some lemons, we think making some lemonades out of it is a f#$%!n’ waste of time. We use one slice to whiten the armpits, another slice to clean the face, another slice for a fruity salad, and cut the peeling to the shape of a suicidal fruit (see below).

When the Spaniards came to the country, we were stripped of any weapon we could use to fight them back right? I mean, they pretty much stripped us of everything. But the effin’ b@$^@#ds forgot one thing. Even before they came over, we were living in absolute simplicity. I mean, our men were wearing strings and a dangling piece of cloth to cover their dongs. Our women didn’t even bother covering their breasts and we were chillin’. We were happy. We were dancing every sundown thanking the freakin’ ball of fire for giving us life.

We had nothing and we managed to survive. Heck, we managed to be happy guddammit.  So when these Spaniards came to our country taking away our swords and whatever weapons we had then, we were like “aight, no problem”. We found a stick, looked at it and said, I’m going to turn you into a fuckin’ weapon of mass destruction and that’s what we f@#$!n’ did.

Early Arnis Masters. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I mean, take a look at an arnis and put it side by side a Samurai. That piece of steel requires sophistication to make. Japanese are very ‘protective of the art of blacksmithing’. In fact, very rarely will they ever take an apprentice that’s not Japanese. Making one is like a mythological ceremony. Watching a blacksmith pound that hot rod is enough to feel like you are watching the birth of goddess. Now, look at that piece of wood. You can practically roll a number of newspapers and you’d a have yourself a pieces of killin’ machine.

It doesn’t require any mastery and artistry to make an arnis. You need a blacksmith to do a sword and you need heat and a lot of pounding to make it. Who have time for it right? I mean, come on, we need our sleep. We just pick up a piece of wood, swirled it around and made that a weapon. We start hitting someone and we have martial arts.

Aint no f#$K!n’ way other nation can think of that.

Whether or not you think I am serious with anything I said, it doesn’t really matter. It only matters that you realize how Arnis is truly something Pinoy and something truly badass.Sure, it's a little confusing right now because of the lack of a unified body that governs all Arnis groups in the Philippines but hey, it'll sort itself out.

So next time you think getting into a fighting discipline, check out Arnis.

1 comment:

  1. Great creative writing. I am an Arnis Practitioner. Thank you very much for writing this. It kept me inspired.
    -Kamay Balaraw