Badass Military Tactician: Fidel V. Ramos

The famous "jump for joy"

 

Our country’s political history is like a mash up of Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Breaking Bad and Beverly Hills 90210. There’s a lot of strange creatures speaking languages that always sound like they are selling the souls of everyone they talk with to Satan. There’s lots of bloody murder, guddam massacres and f*ckin’ assassinations that I am pretty sure the collective blood of all those dead people could most likely bring the Read Sea back to its former volume.

There’s a lot of thievery and trickery with so many willing victims it would put the 3 Stoogies to shame. Most of all, there’s a lot of prostitution, naked men and women that f*ck unprotected and usually from behind… with no proper foreplay. Forget about being kissed before getting f*ck.

We were beaten down to slavery by the Spaniards who took the liberty of bringing us closer to our pagan past by romanticising the image of priests who were,

But of all the shit that we were forced to it, nothingcompares to the exotic delicacy that Ferdinand Marcos shoved own our throat. Nothing like being f*cked by your own countryman. He was the state leader for 25 years and screw us all every damn day of those 25 years.

He was to be toppled by a woman, Corazon Aquino, widow of Marcos’ nemesis Benigno Aquino. Not surprising, considering, she had the best training, she was a full time mother and housewife. You don’t f*ckin get any job harder than that, guddamit. Aquino, the woman, was to survive 9 coup de etat attempts to topple her presidency. Operative word, attempts.

She won every single one of those coups and had some more strength left to deal with a daughter who had the habit of getting into relationships with married men.

However, many attest that she wouldn’t have made it without the help of one man, Fidel Ramos. After all, she has never had military experience and if you are to defend a country against a group of PMA graduates, you need more than just military experience, you need military badassery.

Pinoys In The International Scene: Are We Really There?

It’s a perpetual struggle for any musician to be recognized for his or her music. It seems a contradiction for what music really stands for. It is, after all, art. It is personal and the only true validation you need is your own.

There is this universal truth we can’t ignore though. Along with our humanity is the innate need to be acknowledged. We need our lives to be witnessed and noticed, if only to assure ourselves what we are doing matters. The need is more intense for artists because they have the natural tendency to get in touch with their deepest emotions and then express it in an international language, music.

This is further heightened for us Pinoys for reasons that were borne of our painful history. We had 300 years of colonization, another 25 under a dictatorship, and 3 years under the Japanese. Our independence, if we really have it, is in its infancy. Our olds are very much alive and we continue to turn to them for guidance.

Then there are the Americans whose influence and power remain omnipresent especially in the music industry. It may be because the biggest music labels originated and centrally operates in the US. It could also be because of the international influence of US trade and commerce. After all, the US dollar remains the currency by which everyone else’s is measured.

We are part of an international industry and we mean that in the strictest sense of the word. We are part of it. We have been respected and revered. It is a pity that everyone seems to acknowledge that except us. That is why we, in liveOPM, bother. We want us to realize that there should be no doubt on our talents because despite the obvious disadvantages there have been Pinoys who more than made it internationally. They set trends, broke records and influenced even the music of today and they did without compromising the Philippine sound.

They carried a sound influenced by Pinoy culture. As much as I admire and respect the likes of Charice, Arnel Pineda and Leah Salonga, perhaps even they would agree that the artists below deserve more because they wrote their own music, carried with them their unique style and threaded the path less travelled. They didn’t compromise and proved you don’t have to.

The One Who Created A Genre

There are three names in Latin Soul that are universally respected: Ralfi Pagan, Harvey Averne, and Joe Bataan. They are credited as the godfathers of the Latin-American Soul genre. Any song that uses a capella in full or in part owes to these three.  

Hip Hop and Rap: Is it for Filipinos?

Note: This is a breakaway from my usual weekly Filipino achievers tribute. I have no reason... i just feel like writing this. 

image by: Kanade-Chizuru

J-Nick, Repablikan, Loonie, Zaito, Target, Dello, Breezy Girlz and the opposite gender’s counterpart, Breezy Boyz are the biggest names in Philippine Rap industry nowadays. Most of them made their way to the top through “street rapping battles” called Flip-Top. It’s where rappers come together to battle each other. Each city or town can organize their own battles and work their way up to the national championship.

One of their videos has more than 9.1 million hits on youtube and that’s not counting the hits of others who reposted the original video. However, none of them are signed to any major label. They release their songs on YouTube and their social networking sites. The support from their fans is pretty unbelievable. Their fans create their own music videos for their songs. There is one song that had more than 20 user generated music videos, all that for a song that never saw our radio airwaves. Take that Eminem!

So why are they still unsigned? There is hardly a chance the labels haven’t heard of them yet. Three of them are, in fact, in the show Bubble Gang. There is only one reason a label wouldn’t sign an artist, if they don’t see a viable business. Most of their supporters come from the Lower C and D. People from these classes wouldn’t exactly put CDs as their financial priority.

The question now is why are they still underground? We know there is a market out there for rap. The late Francis Magalona created that. Andrew E. and Michael V. capitalized on that. Was it a fad for us Pinoys? Is it a genre we can truly embrace?

For us to answer this question, we need to go back to the roots of rap. Understanding its beginning will allow us to understand the very essence of the genre and how it fits to our culture.

First, let us define the terms. There are three basic assumptions:

1. Rap is talking in rhyme to the rhythm of a beat
2. Hip-hop, on the other hand, is a culture. It is a way of life who identify, love, and cherish rap, break dancing, DJing, and graffiti
3. Rap is a musical genre born from hip-hop[i]

Claro Claridad: Jumped into Ice Covered Lake to Save 2 Kids

Okay, listen to this.

What if like a god tell you 'Ey, I'll give you a chance to be a hero. Not like a Jose Rizal hero, okay? Just a hero like... two to three families will forever feel happy that you were once alive.'

Aight. Not bad, right? So, the next question is... what do you have to do to earn the respect and affection of two to three families?

So, this god will answer, 'You need to jump into a lake covered with ice to save two kids that will run away with their family after being saved and not even thank you.'

Here's what I'll say... put my d!ck in your ear and fu$% whatever you hear you amoeba product stinking piece of $h!t. Why? Why the f$%k will I do that? Tell me... why... would I ever offer my life to someone who don't even have the fu$%in' balls to man up to their d@mn stupidity?

Knife Edge Trilogy: Be Stupid for a Split Second and You Die

Despite our reputation for having rich natural resources as evidenced by the continuous attempt of different countries to invade us for the sole purpose of scraping our country off our natural resources like a bear let off in the middle of a bamboo field after 2 years of hibernation, we still rarely get mentioned when they make lists of best places to visit if you want to go nature tripping.

The top 10 Most Difficult Mountains to Climb list, for example, doesn't include a single mountain from the Philippines. It may be because we don't have snow here. Most deaths in those mountains is caused by Hypothermia.

In the mountains of the Philippines, mountaineers don't battle hypothermia, they battle leeches, falling rocks the size of Antartica, unpredictable weather that changes its mind more often than we take in oxygen, snakes and other yet to be identified forest animals, ghosts and monsters, and some gaddam cannibalistic ethnic groups.

photos by: http://www.pinoymountaineer.com

Jose "Pepe" Rizal: The Pinoy with Gigantic B@lls

The only photo of Jose Rizal that shows him smiling

It’s gonna sound crazy but Jose Rizal is underrated. He has become a nuisance whose novels subject many students to failure and many sleepless nights. It’s not fair because Rizal is beyond badass. The fuckin’ guy got some balls.

Jose Rizal’s got a huge pair. Gigantic in fact. It’s so big, he has enough for the entire fuckin’ country.

Rizal’s balls have the same size as fuckin’ Mars that got pumped with salt and water that it got packed with so much fat that it would take a lifetime of surgery to get it all out. His balls is so fuckin’ big that he decided to publicly denounce Catholicism, almost singlehandedly challenged the country that was conquering the Philippines with nothing but an effin’ pen and paper and put in sexual undertones in the two novels that managed to find its way to the High School curriculum… and this was the 1800s, women had to wear seven layers of garments believing it would make them pure.

Paskong Pinoy: Ain't Nobody Can Do it Like We Do

merrystockings.com

Christmas for Pinoys is one big production number. All OSCAR Opening number put together and multiplied by 34,554 times won’t measure.  In most families, someone will always take the role of the director, the one who thinks of all gimmicks and crazy stunts to make the Christmas Eve better.

And from this director, here are some of the unique things that come out of it. 

Karoling 

There is no other part in the world where a group of children can go around the neigborhood with Soda crowns as a musical instrument to accompany their unrehearsed rendition of “Ang Pasko ay Sumapit” and we are certainly the only country that turns away carollers with nothing but a “patawad” statement. 

Hernando Guanlao: The Book Guy

Image Source: Philippine Daily Inquirer

The president of my high school and about half of the teachers there hated me. I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why but I just don’t give a fine f$%^. However, to serve as an intro to this piece, I will recall one of the many reasons they would have loved to have killed me, mutilate me and then sit on my lifeless body while laughing.

One of the things I clearly remember as the source of their hatred is my consistent record of reading books. Yes, they hated me for reading books. Alright, I need to explain this a bit.

I liked and still like reading books. Most of our teachers were fresh graduates and most of them weren’t good. They were so bad, they inspired me… to sleep. I developed an unprecedented skill of in the middle of lessons. But I passed my exams because I got everything they were teaching through books. When I got sent to the Principal’s office, I told the Principal they’ll save money if they just give us books and fire the teachers.

I got suspended. I spent my free time reading more books… and watching Voltes V.

Alex Niño: International Pinoy Comic Book Illustrator

It’s a sad day for Filipinos. The greatest pound for pound boxer, Manny Pacquiao, was knocked down cold. I have been watching boxing since I was born and I have never seen a knock down that bad. Not that it changes how I feel towards the Pacman but come on, it’s hard to see your idol go down.

In the interest of cleaning up some of the shit that’s currently dominating the hearts of the Pinoys, I’ve decided to proceed with our weekly Pinoy pride fix and hope that while you are reading this blog, you will start feeling better. I’ve also decided to do something cool, something that cuts across all segments and ages, the comic book industry.

When people talk of International Filipino comic book artists, the name Whilce Protacio comes to mind. You can’t blame them. When you create a character like Bishop, who can sit his ass like a boss and still be able blow up the whole world by absorbing the energy of all superheroes within his vicinity like mother effin’ black hole, you deserve respect. People need to be wave their hands left and right and scream like they’re in the middle of damn Metallica concert. Protacio is so badass one entry in this blog is not enough. He needs a monument, damn it.

EDSA Revolution: The First Bloodless Re Effin' volution

Benigno Aquino Jr. and Ferdinand Marcos

 When you have a tank, like one of those bigass tanks that can roll onto any car and crush it so bad it would spit out every single the freakin’ spare part like a stomach in a three-day diarrhoea and guns that could blow brains out like a freakin’ fireworks in New York and you get a direct order from your superior to shoot those mother effers and you kinda have no choice because you’re a soldier and you swore that you will follow the orders of your superiors, you will have no choice but shoot them. And quite frankly, you are gonna enjoy firing those. As much as it is noble for us to think that soldiers are there to defend the country, let’s be honest, most of them just enjoy wearing those uniforms, holding those guns, and having some chance to fire those bad boys at some point in their lives and feel no remorse because it’s their job anyway.

Well, that’s exactly the situation our soldiers were in back in 1986.

Jesus Villamor: Probably The Greatest Filipino Pilot

Jesus Villamor

The date was December 7, 1941. Hawaii woke up at the sound of death. For some reason, the Japanese decided to go Rambo on them. Carrying their Samurais, bayonets, and then state of the art fighter planes, they went on an all gangsta mission to totally annihilate the Americans. Body parts flew, red rain started pouring, and the air was filled with screams that could have easily passed as a sound effect on a Kevin Smith Slasher film. 

Americans were like, ‘mother fu…’ then died.

While Americans were running low on their wits, five Filipino pilots were chillin’ in their kitchen cutting up the tomatoes to go with their deep fried tinapa, garlic rice, and kapeng barako which they just scored from another Filipino soldier from Batangas. Okay, that breakfast part is fictional but the point is that there were five Filipino soldiers who were overflowing with awesomeness that they went to their commander and promptly reported for duty and said they can probably do something about the Japs.

These five were Capt. Jesus Villamor,  Lt. Geronimo Aclan, Lt. Godofredo Juliano, Lt. Jose Gozar, Lt. Manuel Conde, and Lt. Antonio Mondigo and it is important to note that they weren’t even in Pearl Harbor, they were in their base in Batangas.

Dado Bonatao: Filipino Billionaire in the U.S.

That computer or phone or tablet which you are now looking at, 30% of that is made of a Filipino invention.

Just in case that wasn’t clear enough, I’ll rephrase it. Thirty percent of every computer’s make up - whether it was made Apple, IBM, Samsung, Neo, or whatever  -ever manufactured in the whole damn world was invented by a Filipino, Dado Bonatao.

Dado Bonatao’s dominance is Silicon Valley actually started before Silicon Valley started. He shook the computer world so hard with his chip inventions, the intergalactic God of all computer hardware puked his intestines out and still hasn’t quite recovered to this day. Dado Bonatao is the man responsible for making the graphics on your computer look good.

Before we get into the details of his brilliance that catapulted him to being a legitimate billionaire complete with his own jet and brushing elbows with the likes of Bill Gates, let’s first get to know the amount of badassery he needed to show just to get to where he is now.

Jess Espanola: First Filipino Emmy Award Winner

[originally posted 2010]

Jess Espanola is hardcore.

He won an Emmy Award back in 2008 for his work as an Assistant Director for the Outstanding Animated Program (for programming less than an hour) Simpson’s Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind.

He never allowed anyone to stop him from pursing his goals, did not permit life-threatening hunger and exhaustion to stop his hands from drawing, and has ten million layers of padding to protect his spirits from all the failures a poor Pinoy could ever encounter in that big bad world of Hollywood.

Jess is a poor boy from Kalookan and when I say poor, i mean f***in’ poor. No one is considered an illegitimate child nowadays. The law pretty much declares every child ever born with equal rights. That’s cool but that wasn’t always the case. Until recently, the law was a d!ck to give only 50% of the rights of a legitimate kid to an illegitimate one. Jess knew it all too well. When his father learned his mother is pregnant with him he said ‘i’m sorta outta here’ and he bounced on them. Luckily, someone was kind enough to adopt his mother.

Arnis: Truly Pinoy Truly Badass

You can say what you want about Arnis, a.k.a. Kali, a.k.a. Eskrima. You can argue that it was actually the Spaniards that brought it to the Philippines. You can even say that no country or race can actually lay ownership to the sport. If you have giant b@lls, you can even say it actually came from the Chinese or Japanese and it is an evolution of their Samurai culture.

But you have to admit, you can’t be more Pinoy than Arnis is. It’s simple and it freakin’ kicks asses like Hulk on steroids. If you are one of those people unlucky enough to ever cross an Arnis master, you would know that pissing off an Arnis master is like pissing off Zeus who hasn’t gotten laid for more than 80 days. One solid hit in the head of that wooden stick and you’d feel how a goddum tsunami would feel like if it enters your brain.

The Ultimate B@d@$$: Ferdinand Marcos

The Philippines has several kick@$$ entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, the most prominent of which is the utterly b@d@$$ Ferdinand Marcos as the greatest thief of all time and his equally b@d@$$ wife, Imelda Marcos, with the biggest shoe collection in the world. The exact number of the shoes varies anywhere between 3,000 to 8,000 pairs but that doesn’t really f@#$*n’ matter does it? The minute you can go for a full year without wearing the same shoe twice is effin’ excessive.

Ferdinand Marcos - declaring Martial Law

Now, much as it is utterly appalling to be known for this insane thievery spree, you have to admit that these mothereffers took thievery, human injustice, social climbing and wealth hoarding to whole new level of sh!t. The bar is so high, angels can rest their legs on it.

Ferdinand Emmanuel Edralin Marcos started his criminal life early. His father, Don Mariano Marcos was an assemblyman and representative of Ilocos Norte. In 1935, Ferdinand Marcos was 18, his father lost to his political enemy, Julio Nalundasan in the local elections. Shortly after the declaration of victory, Nalundasan was shot dead. Marcos, along with his father and two uncles, were arrested and charged with murder of Julio Nalundasan in 1938.

Ronald Ventura: Prepare For A Nosebleed

[Originally posted April 2010]

Don’t f$%#in’ say I didn’t warn you.

Let me begin by saying this week’s feature is about a Filipino internationally recognized painter, Ronald Ventura. Now, if that doesn’t automatically launch you to stratospheric heights of high-faluting madness where oxygen is so rare that it makes your brain explode and nose, ears and eyes bleed, here is more.  Someone from the New York gallery industry said that Ventura’s work, despite his penetration of the international market, perfectly illustrates the Philippine culture: It is a complex layering of images that on some level allude to the multifaceted identity of the Philippines, with influences from (different) cultures. His subjects are very contemporary—hip young people, tattoos, graffiti, cartoons from Japan and the US. All this gives the works a very urban vibe. Yet underneath this there are a lot of references to history and cultural evolution, and to a sometimes conflicted sense of national and personal identity. That’s what reveals a real depth that goes beyond the edgy subject matter.

Did I lose you already? Let me translate it to a language you will understand.

His work sells for $850,000.

Manny Pacquiao: The Standard By Which Everyone Is Bound To Be Measured

Originally posted Feb 2010

While I feel relatively confident that I can probably just post that Time Magazine cover by itself with maybe a picture of this crazy b@st@rd standing over the body of Oscar De La Hoya and it will tell the story, over the years you guys have come to expect a minimum word count from me on these sorts of articles, so perhaps some more stuff on the subject is in order.

Back in the dark days of late 90s, when the terrifying demons of the Arroyo administration possessed much of the country in its unbreakable curse, San Miguel Corporation sponsored a boxing “reality show” titled Blow by Blow. This underrated but totally epic show goes around the country hoping to capture a good raw boxing match. Well, they freakin’ overshoot! They effin’ found the boxer that would end the gaddam careers of the best fu***n’ fighters boxing has ever known – DE LA HOYA, HATTON, MARQUEZ, and MORALES f*c**n’ twice.

Efren Penaflorida: First Pinoy CNN Hero of the Year

Originally posted on February 2010

With the mother nature’s continuous landscaping project in the country, I feel morally obligated to mention at least one heartwarming story of heroism we have going for no other reason than to make us feel some semblance of hope that all is not lost.

Efren Penaflorida – one of the toughest and most undersung heroes in Philippine history, and a crazy kickass teacher who routinely (and boldly) goes where no man has gone before.

Efren Penaflorida posing before his billboard in LA, California

Onel De Guzman: He Brought Microsoft Down On Its Knees, ha!

Over a five-hour period, May 4, 2000, the I LOVE YOU virus spread across Asia, Europe and the United States via e-mail messages titled “ILOVEYOU.” The menace clogged Web servers, overwrote personal files and caused corporate IT managers to shut down e-mail systems.

CNN reported that the virus swept through banks, security firms, and Web companies. McAfee estimated that 60 to 80 percent of its Fortune 100 clients were infected by the virus. They scrambled to produce a patch that will detect the virus.

Onel De Guzman - creator of ILOVEYOU virus

Erik Spoelstra: He is Miami Heat’s Head Coach, Hot and Pinoy

Originally published on Feb 2010

Three names are consistently and perhaps internationally recognized as NBA hardcores – Tim Hardaway, Shaquille O’ Neil and Dwayne Wade. These three launch themselves in the air with ease and grace you’ll think there is an invisible staircase that moves around with them. They brave the face of their opponents no matter the height, size and shape. They outrun, outwit and freakin’ outplay anyone who gets in their way to shooting the ball. They are conditioned, trained and motivated it would probably take Superman in steroids to beat them on the court.

If you think they got to where they are because they were born with it, you couldn’t be more wrong.

One man always stands a couple of feet away who knew their potential way before the world did, who found ways how to improve their weakness and hone their strengths. He was the almighty god-of-their-basketball-universe be all and end all coach and he is one heck of a proud Pinoy – Erik Spoelstra.

ERIK SPOELSTRA - Miami Heat Head Coach Proud Pinoy

Erik does not own a blackbelt in any martial arts, have never been to the prison for more than a couple of overnighters and certainly did not fight any rebel in any country but he, without an ounce of doubt, is a balls-out effin’ guy who exert absolutely insane courage than the lead character of of Kill Bill put in the middle of professional UFC fighters, true Japanese Ninja and Muntinlupa lunatics.

At 38, Erik became the youngest NBA head coach. It comes with both prestige and responsibility. He is not new to the game. His mother, Elisa Celino, is pure Pinay and hails from Laguna. His father, Jon Spoelstra, is a long time NBA executive for Portland Trail Blazers, Denver Nuggets and New Jersey Nets. Erik played basketball for the Jesuit High School in Portland, University of of Portland, and coached and played for Tus Herten, a German professional team. He almost played for the PBA, which he says now, in hindsight he wished pushed through.

I took my time in writing this article. After the first seven personalities I wrote about, I had to find someone we can really be proud of. Erik fits this. He is the kind of Pinoy who doesn’t feel the need prove to everyone he is Pinoy because, for him, it is so gadam obvious.

His beginnings in the NBA is not glamorous, though. The legendary Pat Riley took him in as Miami Heat’s video coordinator. Erik didn’t know what the job entailed then. Turns out, he was to be in-charged of preparing scouting tapes for the team in 1995. Erik didn’t waste time in displaying some badass attitude towards his work. He was cited by Sports Illustrated for honing stars like Dwayne Wade’s shooting balance and smoothing out his release after the Flash’s return from the Athens Olympics.

Two years later he was named Assistant Coach/Video Coordinator, then promoted to Assistant Coach/Advance Scout in 1999. He became the Assistant Coach/Director of Scouting in 2001.On April of 2008, Erik Spoelstra (known to the players as “Coach Spo”) was then named successor to Pat Riley as head coach of the Miami Heat.

That story sounded simple but the work on how he got there is not. When he was scouting, he spent 20 to 25 nights a month out on the road for two years. He goes from one city to another trailing a team and writes up a report on what they do, assess individual players, make a recommendation on who to get and who to pass. On his hands, lies the NBA future of many many talents out there. Without his eye and brains, NBA would be naught in several years. He has no contact with the team he is working for other than the report he is sending.

Erik calls the shots, how cool is that?!

That’s a pretty giant mind f$%k if you ask me. Being away from home 96% of the time can move you past insanity and into the demonic world of boredom but not Erik. He didn’t just remain awesome, he managed to become great all of the gad@m time. He managed to turn the job into his advantage, he learned so many different coaching philosophies, ways of doing things, offensive and defensive schemes and ways of communicating and coaching and teaching players.

Erik is also one of those responsible for turning the basketball into a science – a game of statistical probabilities and of floor strategies. He proved that everything can be learned including opponents to beat them at their own style of play. He developed a proprietary software, a statistical database that accumulates as much information as they can for assessment. He is also in the process of putting their 300-page playbook in a notebook that players can flip through. He also wants to put it in iTouch recognizing that many players are gadget freaks. He knows it’s another way to communicate with the players. So, he is putting diagrams of plays, motivational quotes, articles about the players, and even on people with interesting lives that we can relate to.

Riley credits Erik for recognizing the use of technology in bringing fresh new ideas in the handling a team without forgetting the fact that it ends up being about the players and their performance. I don’t know about you but a simple analysis of how I should train for a freakin’ 10K run gives me a headache in titanic proportion let alone come up with a technical program where an entire NBA team worth more than my soul could give me instant clinical insanity.

To Erik, though, it’s just part of the job.

Erik is filling Pat Riley’s gigantic shoes having coached the Lakers to four NBA titles led the New York Knicks to the NBA Finals and steered the Heat to the championship in 2006. He is also a Hall of Famer.

The greatness of Erik ain’t gonna come in this decade, maybe not even in the next. His greatness as another proud Pinoy is a different story though.

... and he is single